Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Standards and Documentation on Proper Cookie Stowage

As received by the Galley from the Engineering Department:

Regulation 30a
Operational limitations
Summary: All SOLAS I Yachts are to carry an approved document listing all operational limitations of Biscuits or “Cookies” on the vessel. The document is to include explanations of the reasons for the limitations, ramifications (including dangers) of cross contamination.

1. This regulation applies to all passenger ships to which chapter I applies.

2. A list of all limitations on the integration of biscuits, including exemptions (Jaffa cakes are deemed acceptable for inclusion in this ruling) from any of these regulations, restrictions in operating areas, weather restrictions, sea state restrictions, restrictions in permissible loads, trim, wafers and any other limitations, whether imposed by the Administration or established during the design or the building stages, shall be compiled before the yacht ship is put in service. The list, together with any necessary explanations, shall be documented in a form acceptable to the Administration, which shall be kept on board readily available to the master. The list shall be kept updated. If the language used is not English or American, the list shall be provided in one of the two languages. It is worth noting that Biscuit separation is a serious matter and needs to be dealt with accordingly, flagrant abuse of the cookie jar or lack of respect for jaffa cakes cannot and will not be ignored. The society in which we live is bound by laws and it is those laws that separate us from and allow us to rise above the evolutionary quagmire that is the uncivilized masses, or America if you prefer.

Guidance Notes

1. Reg. 30a applies to all Yachts engaged on international voyages, Charters or just ‘bumming about’. ("SOLAS I passenger ships").

2. Replaces SOLAS V/74 Regulation 23.

3. All UK-registered SOLAS I Yachts are required to carry a document listing the Operational Limitations which is to be appended to the Vessels safe Biscuit Stowage Log. Hereafter to be referred to as the Biscuit Stowage Log. This should not be confused with, and is no way affiliated to the Chocolate Log. (outlined in Reg 32c-IV). Said document shall include details of any exemptions from the requirements of SOLAS V, operating restrictions (Jaffas, wafers or biscuits of a dubious ‘foreign’ nature), restrictions on filling or storing conditions and any other operational limitations imposed during the ship's construction or by the MCA. If the ship has no operational limitations the document needs to be endorsed accordingly.

4. A Biscuit examples together with guidance notes on their integration to the ‘Cookie Jar’ are contained in Annex 23.

Annex 23.

1. Biscuit – NATO standard – round – Smooth.
This is the ideal type of biscuit for inclusion in the cookie jar, of medium density with good Tea Absorption potential.

2. Biscuit – NATO standard – round – Crumbly
This type of biscuit is deemed acceptable for inclusion however it should be noted that crumbage (biscuit detritus build up) should for health and safety reasons (CoSWP 1994 Act2) be removed frequently

3. Biscuit – Bourbon or Custard Creams
These are classified as ‘Working class’ biscuits and therefore not suitable for a Yacht of this standing. Please be aware, certain unscrupulous types may try to pass these of as High Quality by replacing the word ‘cream’ with ‘crème’, do not be taken in by such skullduggery and report the offender immediately so that they may be beaten and institutionalized. These biscuits may be employed as rations/payment for the services of a “working class” laborer, if it is necessary. They should however remain stored ‘below stairs’

4. Wafers, Garibaldi, Oreos and other pretenders
No. No. No. These are foreign muck and have no place in a cultured English Biscuit Barrel (it’s bad enough one has to employ the term ‘Cookie Jar’ – to humor the colonials)

5. Jaffa cakes
The clue here is in the title. These highly esteemed tea companions have a soft underbelly that if allowed to interact with type 1 or 2 biscuits (see above) become dry and unappealing, turning a good thing into a bad thing – they are not to be, under any circumstance, included in the cookie jar. They are however, allowed to be afforded separate accommodation in a suitable jar or tube commensurate with their status as a ‘biscuit of distinction’

6. Biscuit – Ginger or ‘Ginger snap’
A vile, insidious biscuit whose sole purpose on this earth seems to be to taint other biscuits with its all permeating, biscuit bastardizing aroma. A long time favorite of Idi Amin, Chairman Mao, Pol Pot, Mussolini, George Bush and a Mr. Mugabe.

1 comment:

tammy said...

WHEW! SUCH a relief that you're getting around to the truly IMPORTANT stuff.....i was gettin' worried what with all the frivolity taking place that SERIOUS work just wasn't getting done!!!!!

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